I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
