dude i'm inner monologue high
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
