I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I faked an abortion last night.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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