so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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