I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
