i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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