dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
