I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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