too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
