There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
