You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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