I cannot find my penis.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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