I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
