Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
