I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
