just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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