I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
