I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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