The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
