if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
