She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want to make out with him forever
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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