I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
