He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
