There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
