I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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