i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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