i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
