Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
