if only i could text you this smell
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
