Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We were destined to go to rehab together
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
