It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
