i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
