Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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