So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
