you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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