best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
