Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
