screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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