I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
