I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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