If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
