Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
