In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
