There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
