Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
