it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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