Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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