We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
