We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
