Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
