FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
