Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
